I will have to clear the air behind my malaise and how it spread so far into the near collapse of this online site. It is owed an explanation by now.
Since February of 2021 i have been going through of separation with my soon to be ex-wife. and my father died in early April of 2021. In may of 2021, my soon to be ex-wife filed for divorce in court. if you followed that time line correctly, she filed for divorce after my father died. I was in Arizona with my mother when she filed for paperwork in court.
She has a habit of doing this, if you think this is libelous, this is backed by court paperwork, my father died on April 9th, 2021. 2 days before his 80th birthday. This sticks in your mind when you have celebrated 37 birthdays with your father and was looking forward to the next birthday, and with covid restrictions keeping you from getting into the nursing home to see your father for his birthday, you get to feeling down quickly. I flew out to Arizona on April 16th to see my mother to mourn my father’s loss and she files the paperwork the day before my plane touches down.
My girlfriend at the time and my step sister/executor was present for the reading of my father’s will when my ed-wife presented me with the divorce paperwork.
a year later, on April 7th, 2022 my grandfather died. 2 days later i get another letter from the court showing my ex-wife is petitioning for full custody of the children. It is knife sunk into my chest. 363 days separated the death of my father and my grandfather and yet there is no decency to allow me the time to mourn the loss of either one, after all the divorce is still ongoing, I have not had the chance to carry out the last wishes of my father yet.
The pain of losing my grandfather is still fresh. The pain of knowing that most of my mother’s side of my family still does not approve of my transition also stings. That pain mixes with the old pain of the loss of my father knowing that he was the last of the older generation of the Brooks family, the last of the older Turkish generation. He passed the leadership of the family to me but the family is demolished. A few cousins on my family line scattered to the wind. One disowned me and My cousin in Wales. Another one in a hospital in poor health. The one in Wales and the one in Poor health I love deeply and have fond memories of. I wish I had recent pictures of us together but as you can imagine, it is rather hard for us to get a family reunion together.
My father’s death brought up a turbulent wave of skeletons in the closet, controversy and files, as well as accusations and grabs at things by my ex-wife. It felt like I was being hit at left right and center. The first of things to fly out was my identity. The one my father painted for me when I was growing up. He painted me as an only child (biological child if you were wondering about my step sister. we are not related by blood and my father did not get the chance to adopt her. However, we still consider each other family for the most part. She is considerably older than me and had already moved out of the house when I was born so I was raised as an only child). The reality is much different.
My sister set the record straight. When my father was married to her mother, she became pregnant with his child in 1973 and didn’t realize it until 9 months later (this does happen). but it was an ectopic pregnancy that went wrong and it was miscarried and other things went bad too. you don’t need to know the rest of the details other than her mother came out of it mostly okay but my brother was still born. My father never told me about it. So there is something my father never told me about. Talking with my current girlfriend and my mother, they said my father was pretty sure that wouldn’t have affected my flow of life at all and he didnt think i needed to know. My girlfriend is a marine and knows his mindset as he was a marine too, and my mother knew him obviously. I don’t know what anyone else thinks.
I don’t know how to process a lot of information that comes to emotions, and this comes from a childhood of abuse and neglect. It takes me time to work a lot of stuff out. But I am pretty good at divorcing things like weird food facts and weird food and things. so some people look at me with the “Why are you so emotional face?” When I freak out over the dead brother I never knew. For me it was a case over the spiritual landscape of my life and the fact that I was no longer the only child but the only surviving child. However, after some meditation I could see where everyone else came from.
But my mom, or one of her personalities, and my father through some of his paperwork had some other news. My dad had a blood test card for me on it which showed my blood type. Okay, they did that inn 1983 and I knew my blood type. it also showed i had three chromosomes. which they could test for back in 1983, the question i had was why they needed to. I called my mother and she again sounded really weird which told me I was talking to someone other than my mom.
She has multiple personalities. But most of her personalities navigate through life for her and have memories of what happened during that time. she told me about an event that happened and during her early pregnancy with me she was pregnant with twins. after the event, she lost one of the twins, one of the twins incorporated the other and she may have had an image at one time. whenn i talked to her the next time, she didn’t remember telling me this but she sounded normal….
However, in her wedding photos, she looks much larger than my dad, my cousin in wales who used to live her remembers hearing about the chimera twin, me, and how no one was supposed to talk about it. while I know it was weird for me to overreact to the dead older brother thing, it is totally not weird to blow your top to various family knowing about you being a twin-less twin, being intersex, and being a chimera! Those three secrets were all rolled up into that one medical test that I found and really was something I needed to know.
This had made it too much to focus on to write. It had made it too much to focus on to edit for a time. I let the site go. I apologize for that. Focusing on the kids became hard. Focusing on self care became hard. I suffer from seizures and am disabled from it. It is hard to keep fighting to make the Migraines from the post concussions from the repeated falls from the seizures to go away and figure out the cause of the seizures because it isn’t epilepsy. The doctors say it’s stress, its been happening for over 4 years. however, after they put me on thyroid medicine, the seizure intensity and frequency has fallen off a cliff, as in gotten better, and so has the dizziness which means they were connected. Stress always makes things worse and leaving things in such a sorry state so long causes brain damage, but myxedema, a syndrome that is the polar opposite of a thyroid storm, is also a cause of the seizures.
as my thyroid disease improves, i hope to recover from my disability. knowing about it and trying to account for it sometimes throws my life into chaos, winter is hard because cold sensitivity throws my body into chaos while summer is the time when I can shine. However, if you dump a lot of stress on me, i short circuit like some sort of broken robot. It makes me want to cry because I remember when I could take on the world in college. Now I can’t manage a website I built in my own datacenter, my family, and my home without losing my brain. I used to work for a global conglomerate in R and D and took on 4 or 5 projects before lunch, come home to a family, clean house, manage the site, write a novel, edit it, and publish it. Just thinking about that now makes me feel pathetic.
It’s humbling to put that comparison into words. knowing that you had a checklist of large projects at work to backfill a rotating pile of large high priority projects, then a family, then house, then site, then novel, then editing, then publishing. now you cant handle 3 things without breaking. makes you feel like you went from doing things with a smart phone to doing things with a land line phone, pen and paper, and a calculator. you can technically get everything in life done that you need, but it is a hell of a lot harder and no one understands why it feels so hard. You also feel useless at the same time. One moment you can easily check everything you needed to check online, hail rides, play games, call people whenever wherever, never lost, order stuff, whatever, reserve flights, are always connected. The next thing you know, you can call the people you remember, write down info, and calculate stuff, and draw. Your phone book is only the numbers you remember and remember to write down. Hope you don’t have dyslexia like me. There is no internet there. you can spell boobs on your calculator by typing in 58008 and flipping it upside down. there is your daily joke for your magic combo to replace the smart phone for your downgrade.
I am hoping that as the divorce draws to a close as it will next month, life will return to normal. most of what is stirring up emotions right now are tied to that. most of the things that keep me from my old routine are tied to that. my father’s last wishes are another one. A lot of chaos will die down once those are alleviated. Once that is done, I should be able to continue with regular updates to the site, maybe regular content additions to the site as well as editing, and continue to do regular writing. as of right now there is too much up in the air for me to promise regular things. I will at least try to maintain the site, even if I have to offload it from the data center and onto a cloud solution if I cannot maintain the equipment if other things in my life get too chaotic.
however, things have been calming down locally. stay tuned.